A Non-Southerner's Tale:
Back in the 70s there was a Midwesterner working near Atlanta who was first introduced to Grits, and loved retelling the story of that first meeting. He said his first morning at the hotel coffee shop he ordered eggs over easy with ham, toast and coffee. The waitress brought him his eggs and ham as ordered but he had biscuits and some funny looking white stuff he had never seen. He liked the biscuits but the white stuff was bland and strange to his taste.
He ordered the same thing next day and said the biscuits were okay but asked the waitress to leave off the "white stuff." His order came as requested but again the "white stuff" came on his plate. After several days of this, he was adamant with the waitress, a 35- or 40-year old wiry white lady that he did not want that "white stuff."
When she brought his breakfast she roughly put the plate before him with the "white stuff" again along with his order and looked him straight in the eye and said, "This 'white stuff' is called Grits and you can either learn to eat them or get your Yankee rear end back where you came from!" She turned and walked away, and he said he ate them out of fear of what would happen if he didn't comply; and he ate grits happily ever after. That rough ol' cowboy from Nebraska learned to cook and eat Grits, and probably by the end of the week, was drinking beer at night with the waitress.
What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn.
The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and God would not punish His people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed:
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina and Louisiana, and are watched over day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of this culinary atrocity are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits:
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies kept from the public due to its rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits:
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven
How to Cook Grits:
For one serving: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the Grits stands alone, they're done. That's all there is to cooking Grits.
How to Make Red Eye Gravy:
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the remaining drippings to form the Red Eye Gravy. Simmer for several minutes. Great on Grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits:
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your Grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grits to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 Grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your Grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your Grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is coffee. Your Grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare.) Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish. Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares. Fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable!
Next week's recipe? Maybe I'll share the secret Garlic Grits instructions with ya! Oh, and on the subject, did ya know GRITS stands for Girls Raised in the South? Yep, I'm one of 'em.
My friend Yvonne, a southerner transplanted to California, kindly sent along this historical information, so we all have her to thank! She is one person I'd never tell to, "Kiss mah gree-uts." :O)
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