Friday Funnies

Today's topic? Coffee!

So for the coffee swillers amongst us ~~


You might be drinking just a liiiiittle too much if:

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  

Nah, there's really no such thing as "too much," so go have a cuppa on me!

Saturday Critter Smiles

Thanks to friend Laura (aka Stompy) for forwarding this, and to Marilyn for the second one. Hope you get a few giggles like I did~~~

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow for my dogs Dexter, Gypsy, Sky & Blade. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Since I had little else to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again even though I shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side, though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no - I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt when the car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

~~~~~

And because swine flu fills the news...

As the two friends wandered through the woods on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself, thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh...

...and Pooh thought to himself, "If the pig sneezes, he's freakin' dead!"

Revenge of the Blonde!

A trucker comes into a truck stop cafe and places his order. "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook says. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh! Okay," she says, and thinks about it for a moment. The blonde then spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

"What are the beans for, Blondie?" the trucker asks.

"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

******

The OCEAN cover wasn't too clear yesterday, so Diane (the magazine's "momma") kindly sent a new one. Don't forget to check it out!