Sociable

Friday, April 24, 2009

Today's Joke Butt? Lawyers



Well, bad ol' Gumbo Writer picks on blondes and Cajuns quite often, so today we'll focus our insults on the men and women of the bar for a little variety.

When I worked for attorneys I had a cartoon taped to my office door which said, "In the history of the world, why has there never been a snake-bitten lawyer?" Answer: "Professional courtesy." (For the first several weeks of my employ, the four men and one woman would tear the joke off my door and throw it away. Then they realized I'd made tons of copies and gave up.) *hehe*

So, let's get started.......order in the court!

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

3. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

4. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A) go to lunch or (B) read the newspaper?

5. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

6. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

7. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

8. Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

Wasn't that fun, boys and girls? The next snippets come from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are actual conversations recorded word for word by court reporters:

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Witness: Did you actually pass the Bar Exam?

Attorney: The youngest son...the 20-year-old...how old is he? Witness: He's 20...much like your IQ.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken? Witness: Are you shitting me?

Attorney: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Attorney: How many were boys? Witness: None. Attorney: Were there any girls? Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. May I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated? Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Attorney: Was this a male or a female? Witness: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Have a great Friday and weekend too!

19 comments:

KLo said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : ) What a great way to start the day!

Janna Qualman said...

So great! Love these kinds of posts.

Happy Weekend, Angie!

Debbie said...

Now that got my Friday off to just the right start. Although I am working diligently to talk my middle son into being an attorney. Somebody has to pay for my old age.

Karen said...

The last one is the best one.

Literary Nut said...

Oh lord...you do know some great ones! Thanks for helping me to get a laugh on a day when I feel like I especially needed one! Hope you have a great weekend Angie!

Jessica said...

LOL! I don't know where you got all this, but it was hilarious. ;-)

Ang said...

Thanks for the Friday laughs. Great way to start the weekend.

Suldog said...

Always love to laugh, so love the jokes.

Variation on #4:

If a lawyer and an IRS agent fell out of an airplane, which one would hit the ground first?

Who gives a shit?

Jane! said...

I'm feeling better about my career choice.
Thanks for the multiple laughs!

Angie Ledbetter said...

KLo, hope the rest of your day and weekend go similarly.

Same to ya, Janna girl.

Debbie, my senior son IS going into pre-law at LSU! (Great field for him since he will argue with God.) We gots lots in common. :)

My fav too, Karen.

LN, glad you got a smile & hope more are on the way!

I have great friends who are forever forwarding me hysterical emails, Jessica. :)

My pleasure, Ang.

Suldawg, made me laugh. Thanks!

I'm so glad, Jane. :)

HAPPY WEEKEND, ALL!

giddymomof6 said...

HAHAHAH! That was awesome! Ooh! I think you should pick on lawyers some more! heheheh! Jenni

Jody Hedlund said...

Thanks! I needed a good laugh!

Melissa Marsh said...

Those are GREAT! And to think - I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in grade school. Glad I wised up! ;-)

Amy said...

Hi Angie! I'm back in the blogosphere~

and what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean??

A good start!

The Things We Carried said...

4. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A) go to lunch or (B) read the newspaper?

Too funny :)!

Terri Tiffany said...

LOL! Thank you for great laugh! Now if I can remember one to pass on:)

Texasholly said...

OMG. Too funny.

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