Today's Joke Butt? Lawyers

Well, bad ol' Gumbo Writer picks on blondes and Cajuns quite often, so today we'll focus our insults on the men and women of the bar for a little variety.

When I worked for attorneys I had a cartoon taped to my office door which said, "In the history of the world, why has there never been a snake-bitten lawyer?" Answer: "Professional courtesy." (For the first several weeks of my employ, the four men and one woman would tear the joke off my door and throw it away. Then they realized I'd made tons of copies and gave up.) *hehe*

So, let's get started.......order in the court!

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

3. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

4. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A) go to lunch or (B) read the newspaper?

5. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

6. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

7. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

8. Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

Wasn't that fun, boys and girls? The next snippets come from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are actual conversations recorded word for word by court reporters:

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Witness: Did you actually pass the Bar Exam?

Attorney: The youngest son...the 20-year-old...how old is he? Witness: He's 20...much like your IQ.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken? Witness: Are you shitting me?

Attorney: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Attorney: How many were boys? Witness: None. Attorney: Were there any girls? Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. May I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated? Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Attorney: Was this a male or a female? Witness: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Have a great Friday and weekend too!